Lettre /aide

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Lettre /aide
Message de hedoris posté le 13-12-2017 à 16:30:24 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
J'ai un exercice ou je dois rédiger une lettre en anglais. Voici la consigne :
Vous êtes un jeune créateur d’entreprise et désirer obtenir auprès de votre banque, la Royal Bank of Scotland, un emprunt de 10000£.
Pour cela, vous décider de prendre rendez-vous auprès de votre conseiller financier, Mr Wilson.
Voici ma lettre (je précise qu'on est libre de choisir le domaine de notre entreprise) :

Dear Mr Wilson,
I am writing this letter to ask for a loan so that I can start my own company.
I have developed with the help of my sister, who is a cook, a line of edible Christmas decorations.
With the cooperation of a local producer, we will be able to get fresh and organic products at a very interesting
Furthermore, we could in a second time, reuse our creations and adapt them to all kinds of celebrations throughout the year (like Easter, Halloween…).
Therefore, I am requesting a loan of £10,000 who added to our personal savings will allow me to buy all the supplies and equipment I need to begin my business.
Would it be possible to meet you so I can give you more information about my project?
I thank you by advance for your attention.
Yours sincerely,

Est-elle correcte ?
Merci d'avance

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Modifié par lucile83 le 13-12-2017 17:30

Réponse : Lettre /aide de gerold, postée le 15-12-2017 à 16:44:46 (S | E)
Bonjour hedoris

Dear Mr Wilson,
I am writing this letter (mieux: je vous écris cette lettre) to ask for a loan so that I can start my own company.
I have developed with the help of my sister, who is a cook, a line of edible Christmas decorations.
With the cooperation of a local producer, we will be able to get fresh and organic products at a very interesting (?)
Furthermore, we could (virgule) in a second time, reuse our creations and adapt them to all kinds of celebrations throughout the year (like Easter, Halloween…).
Therefore, I am requesting a loan of £10,000 who (pas "who", l'antécédent n'est pas une personne) added to our personal savings will allow me to buy all the supplies and equipment I need to begin my business.
Would it be possible to meet you so (il manque un mot)I can give you more information about my project?
I thank you by advance for your attention.
Yours sincerely,

Le "reuse our creations" me laisse un peu perplexe, je dirais simplement "adapter nos créations à ...".

On vous précise, dans la consigne, que votre banque est la Royal Bank of Scotland. Je suppose que cela implique que ce nom doit apparaître dans votre lettre.

Réponse : Lettre /aide de hedoris, postée le 17-12-2017 à 13:37:43 (S | E)
Tout d'abord, merci d'avoir pris le temps de me répondre.
J'ai essayé de corriger la lettre en suivant vos recommandations.

Dear Mr Wilson,
As a faithful client of the Royal Bank of Scotland for more than ten years, I am writing this letter to you to ask for a loan so that I can start my own company.
I have developed with the help of my sister, who is a cook, a line of edible Christmas decorations.
With the cooperation of a local producer, we will be able to get fresh and organic products at a very interesting price.
Furthermore, we could, in a second time, adapt our creations to all kinds of celebrations throughout the year (like Easter, Halloween…).
Therefore, I am requesting a loan of £10,000 which added to our personal savings will allow me to buy all the supplies and equipment I need to begin my business.
Would it be possible to meet you so that I can give you more information about my project?
I thank you by advance for your attention.
Yours sincerely,

Est-ce correct ?
Merci d'avance.

Réponse : Lettre /aide de gerold, postée le 17-12-2017 à 19:54:43 (S | E)
Bonsoir hedoris

J'ajouterais quelques virgules pour faciliter la lecture. Sinon, je ne vois plus de problèmes.

Dear Mr Wilson,
As a faithful client of the Royal Bank of Scotland for more than ten years, I am writing this letter to you to ask for a loan, so that I can start my own company.
I have developed with the help of my sister, who is a cook, a line of edible Christmas decorations.
With the cooperation of a local producer, we will be able to get fresh and organic products at a very interesting price.
Furthermore, we could, in a second time, adapt our creations to all kinds of celebrations throughout the year (like Easter, Halloween…).
Therefore, I am requesting a loan of £10,000 which, added to our personal savings, will allow me to buy all the supplies and equipment I need to begin my business.
Would it be possible to meet you, so that I can give you more information about my project?
I thank you by advance for your attention.
Yours sincerely,

Réponse : Lettre /aide de hedoris, postée le 18-12-2017 à 19:10:10 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour votre aide.

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