A dystopian novel/genesis
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Message de louguorio posté le 07-02-2018 à 14:11:01 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
je dois réaliser pour vendredi la genèse d'une dystopie de mon choix. L'ayant fini, serait-il possible de m'indiquer mes erreurs s'il vous plaît ? Mon niveau d'anglais n'est pas fameux, je viens donc sur ce forum pour vos conseils.
Merci pour vos réponses.
lougorio.
2170, Libertalia.
While the country prepared for the festivities of the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A renowned researcher, Sam's goal has always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, this was the main objective of its state-of-the-art technology: a chip directly implanted on its user at the hippocampus level. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, thus avoiding any risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure certain handicaps such as Alzheimer's but also make the information public and free so that, no matter where we come from, each individual has the opportunity to evolve in the constant progress of humanity…
Arrived on D-Day, the chip was presented to the general public allowing Sam to win his 6th consecutive title. This success did not take long to raise the rate of product sales. And in just one year the whole country was equipped with it. The children, on the other hand, evolved so impressively that a caste learning system had to be put in place. Every 4 years from birth, the chip unlocked a box of knowledge so that the child did not get lost through so much data. This system incorporated from the birth of the newborn, developed by Sam for his son Willys with Huntington's disease, allowed the brain to develop completely while treating disability. 16 years later, while Willys was about to unlock his fourth cell, his father Sam incorporated a prototype code into his son's program to speed up nerve-chip nerve connections.
Time passed and the chips became like an arm, an entire member of a libertalian. But without shadow, no light. Indeed, part of society despised this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialized in cyber-attacking, considering not the advantages of the chip but its indescribable link with each inhabitant of Libertalia. Taking advantage of this opportunity, she entered the national control centre for Palmer chips. Infiltrated in the network, it established its hold on each chip and thus gradually extended its power over the whole country! Without realizing it, the people of Libertalia became dependent on this technology and each individual was now an empty shell devoid of feelings and reason.
The year 2187 arrived and with it the birth of a new country: Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 07-02-2018 18:56
Message de louguorio posté le 07-02-2018 à 14:11:01 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
je dois réaliser pour vendredi la genèse d'une dystopie de mon choix. L'ayant fini, serait-il possible de m'indiquer mes erreurs s'il vous plaît ? Mon niveau d'anglais n'est pas fameux, je viens donc sur ce forum pour vos conseils.
Merci pour vos réponses.
lougorio.
2170, Libertalia.
While the country prepared for the festivities of the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A renowned researcher, Sam's goal has always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, this was the main objective of its state-of-the-art technology: a chip directly implanted on its user at the hippocampus level. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, thus avoiding any risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure certain handicaps such as Alzheimer's but also make the information public and free so that, no matter where we come from, each individual has the opportunity to evolve in the constant progress of humanity…
Arrived on D-Day, the chip was presented to the general public allowing Sam to win his 6th consecutive title. This success did not take long to raise the rate of product sales. And in just one year the whole country was equipped with it. The children, on the other hand, evolved so impressively that a caste learning system had to be put in place. Every 4 years from birth, the chip unlocked a box of knowledge so that the child did not get lost through so much data. This system incorporated from the birth of the newborn, developed by Sam for his son Willys with Huntington's disease, allowed the brain to develop completely while treating disability. 16 years later, while Willys was about to unlock his fourth cell, his father Sam incorporated a prototype code into his son's program to speed up nerve-chip nerve connections.
Time passed and the chips became like an arm, an entire member of a libertalian. But without shadow, no light. Indeed, part of society despised this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialized in cyber-attacking, considering not the advantages of the chip but its indescribable link with each inhabitant of Libertalia. Taking advantage of this opportunity, she entered the national control centre for Palmer chips. Infiltrated in the network, it established its hold on each chip and thus gradually extended its power over the whole country! Without realizing it, the people of Libertalia became dependent on this technology and each individual was now an empty shell devoid of feelings and reason.
The year 2187 arrived and with it the birth of a new country: Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 07-02-2018 18:56
Réponse : A dystopian novel/genesis de louguorio, postée le 08-02-2018 à 11:29:59 (S | E)
J'ai corrigé les fautes de mon côté une deuxième fois. Mais il y a beaucoup d'endroits où je ne suis pas sûr. Pourriez-vous m'aider s'il vous plaît ? Par exemple la formulation de phrases, la présence d'articles, ou le choix entre deux synonymes.
Merci pour le temps passé. Louguorio.
2170, Libertalia.
As the country prepared the festivities of the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A world-renowned researcher, Sam's goal has always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, it was the main objective of its latest technology : a chip directly implanted on its user at the level of the hippocampus. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, avoiding risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure some disabilities such as Alzheimer but also make information available to the public. Thanks to this chip, no matter where we come from, each individual has the opportunity to evolve in the steady progress of humanity…
Arrived on D-Day, the chip was presented to the people/crowd/mob allowing [to] Sam to win his 6th consecutive title. This success did not take long to raise the rate of product sales. And in just one year, the whole country was equipped with it. The children as well, evolved considerably [that] needed to create a caste/box/cell learning system/process. Every 4 years from birth, the chip unbolted a cell/box of knowledge so that [the] child did not get lost through so much data. This system developed by Sam for his son Willys, affected by Huntington's disease, enabled [the] brain to develop completely while treating illness.
16 years later, while Willys was going to unlock his fourth cell, his father, Sam, incorporated a prototype code within his son's program to speed up nerves-chip connections.
As time went on, the chips became like an arm, a whole limb of a libertalian. But without darkness/shadow, no light. Indeed, [a] part of [the] society was contemptuous of this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialised in cyber-crime, didn't see [the] advantages of [the] chip but its indescribable link/connection with each inhabitant of Libertalia. Taking this opportunity, she could access [to] the Palmer's chips National Control Centre. Infiltrated in [the] network, she established her hold on evey chip and thus she could gradually expand her grip on [the] whole/fully country ! Without realizing, [the] people of Libertalia became dependent on this technology and each/every individual was now an empty/hollow shell devoid of feelings and reason.
The year 2187 arrived and with it the birth of a new country : Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
Réponse : A dystopian novel/genesis de gerondif, postée le 08-02-2018 à 12:16:00 (S | E)
Bonjour, erreurs en bleu, suggestions en vert
2170, Libertalia.
As the country prepared the festivities of(ou for?) the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A world-renowned researcher, Sam's goal has (j'aurais mis had après votre prétérit chose pour rester dans le récit, sinon, on change de sphère temporelle, mais bon...) always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, it was the main objective of its (fait référence à la boite, je suppose) latest technology : a chip directly implanted on its user at the level of the hippocampus. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, avoiding the(il est défini) risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure some disabilities such as Alzheimer but also make information available to the public. Thanks to this chip,(pourquoi repasser au présent ? j'aurais mis la phrase au prétérit, ou sinoin, vous interrompez votre récit pour vous tourner vers votre public et faire une apparté) no matter where we come from, each individual has the opportunity to evolve in the steady progress of humanity…
Arrived(ne me semble pas covenir, j'aurais mis introduced) on D-Day, the chip was presented to the people/crowd/mob (j'aurais mis the general public, mob fait péjoratif, people est neutre, crowd insiste sur le nombre et peut aussi être péjoratif) allowing [to] Sam to win his 6th consecutive title. This success did not take long to raise the rate of product sales. And in just one year, the whole country was equipped with it. The children as well,(supprimer la virgule.) evolved considerably [that](là par contre, je pense qu'il faudrait une virgule et un which qui signifierait, ce qui rendit nécéssaire de créer...) needed to(mauvais choix de structure) create a caste/box/cell (comme je ne sais pas ce que c'est, difficile de choisir un mot, peut-être a storage box) learning system/process. Every 4 years from birth, the chip unbolted a cell/box of knowledge so that [the] child did not get lost through so much data. This system developed by Sam for his son Willys, affected by Huntington's disease, enabled [the](plutôt his, puisque vous citez le fils, si vous mettez the, c'est correct mais vous repartez sur une idée générale)) brain to develop completely while treating illness.
16 years later, while(non, plutôt as au sens de comme, alors que, while signifie pendant que, je suppose que charger des données en réserve ne prend pas autant de temps que cela) Willys was going to unlock his fourth cell, his father, Sam, incorporated a prototype code within his son's program to speed up nerves-chip (pas de pluriel dans le premier élémet d'un nom composé sauf s'il n'existe qu'au pluriel) connections.
As time went on, the chips became like an arm, a whole limb of a libertalian. But without darkness/shadow, no light (C'est un proverbe ??). Indeed, [a](ok) part of [the](omissible si vous parlez en général, utile si the est en fait un this atténué et vous parlez de cette société précise) society was contemptuous of this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialised in cyber-crime, didn't see [the](ok) advantages of [the](ok, cette puce précise) chip but its indescribable link/connection with each inhabitant of Libertalia. Taking this opportunity, she could access
(The) year 2187 arrived (came up) and with it the birth of a new country : Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
Réponse : A dystopian novel/genesis de louguorio, postée le 08-02-2018 à 14:09:29 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup gerondif pour le temps passé à me conseiller et à m'orienter vers un texte juste.
J'ai appliqué vos conseils, reste-t-il malgré tout des erreurs ?
Merci.
2170, Libertalia.
As the country prepared the festivities for the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A world-renowned researcher, Sam's goal had always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, it was the main objective of its latest technology : a chip directly implanted on its user at the level of the hippocampus. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, avoiding the risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure some disabilities such as Alzheimer but also make information available to the public. Thanks to this chip, no matter where we came from, each individual had the opportunity to evolve in the steady progress of humanity…
Introduced on D-Day, the chip was presented to the general public allowing to Sam to win his 6th consecutive title. This success did not take long to raise the rate of product sales. And in just one year, the whole country was equipped with it. The children as well evolved considerably, for which reason Sam created a box learning process. Every 4 years from birth, the chip unbolted a cell of knowledge so that child did not get lost through so much data. This system developed by Sam for his son Willys, affected by Huntington's disease, enabled his brain to develop completely while treating illness.
16 years later, as Willys was going to unlock his fourth cell, his father, Sam, incorporated a prototype code within his son's program to speed up nerve-chip connections.
As time went on, the chips became like an arm, a whole limb of a libertalian. But without darkness, no light (c'est moi qui l'ait créé). Indeed, a part of the society was contemptuous of this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialised in cyber-crime, didn't see the advantages of the chip but its indescribable link with each inhabitant of Libertalia. Taking this opportunity, she could access Palmer's chips National Control Centre. Infiltrated in the network, she established her hold on evey chip and thus she could gradually expand her grip on the whole country ! Without realizing it, the people of Libertalia became dependent on this technology and each individual was now an empty shell devoid of feelings and reason.
Year 2187 came up and with it the birth of a new country : Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
Réponse : A dystopian novel/genesis de gerondif, postée le 08-02-2018 à 14:33:21 (S | E)
Bonjour
2170, Libertalia.
As the country prepared the festivities for the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, the director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A world-renowned researcher, Sam's goal had always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, it was the main objective of its latest technology : a chip directly implanted on its user at the level of the hippocampus. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, avoiding the risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure some disabilities such as Alzheimer but also make information available to the public. Thanks to this chip, no matter where we came from, each individual had the opportunity to evolve in the steady progress of humanity…
Introduced on D-Day, the chip was presented to the general public allowing
16 years later, as Willys was going to unlock his fourth cell, his father, Sam, incorporated a prototype code within his son's program to speed up nerve-chip connections.
As time went on, the chips became like an arm, a whole limb of a libertalian. But without darkness, no light (c'est moi qui l'ait créé). Indeed, a part of the society was contemptuous of this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialised in cyber-crime,'virgule à ôter) didn't see the advantages of the chip but its indescribable link with each inhabitant of Libertalia. Taking this opportunity, she could access Palmer's chips National Control Centre (vous vouliez sans doute dire she took advantage of that to access....). (Once she Infiltrated (hacked) into the network, she established her hold on every chip and thus she could gradually expand her grip on the whole country ! Without realizing it, the people of Libertalia became dependent on this technology and each individual was now an empty shell devoid of feelings and reason.
Year 2187 came up and with it the birth of a new country : Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
Réponse : A dystopian novel/genesis de louguorio, postée le 08-02-2018 à 15:00:49 (S | E)
Reboujour gerondif. Je pense que mon texte est juste cette fois si et cela grâce à vous alors merci beaucoup. Je vous le présente une toute dernière fois. louguorio.
2170, Libertalia.
As the country prepared the festivities for the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, the director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A world-renowned researcher, Sam's goal had always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, it was the main objective of its latest technology : a chip directly implanted on its user at the level of the hippocampus. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, avoiding the risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure some disabilities such as Alzheimer but also make information available to the public. Thanks to this chip, no matter where we came from, each individual had the opportunity to evolve in the steady progress of humanity…
Introduced on D-Day, the chip was presented to the general public allowing Sam to win his 6th consecutive title. This success did not take long to raise the rate of product sales. And in just one year, the whole country was equipped with it. The children as well evolved considerably, which was why Sam created a box learning process. Every 4 years from birth, the chip unbolted a cell of knowledge so that the children would not get lost through so much data. This system developed by Sam for his son Willys, affected by Huntington's disease, enabled his brain to develop completely while treating his illness.
16 years later, as Willys was going to unlock his fourth cell, his father, Sam, incorporated a prototype code within his son's program to speed up nerve-chip connections.
As time went on, the chips became like an arm, a whole limb of a libertalian. But without darkness, no light. Indeed, a part of the society was contemptuous of this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialised in cyber-crime didn't see the advantages of the chip but its indescribable link with each inhabitant of Libertalia. She took advantage of that to access Palmer's chips National Control Centre. Once she hacked into the network, she established her hold on every chip and thus she could gradually expand her grip on the whole country ! Without realizing it, the people of Libertalia became dependent on this technology and each individual was now an empty shell devoid of feelings and reason.
Year 2187 came up and with it the birth of a new country : Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
Réponse : A dystopian novel/genesis de gerondif, postée le 08-02-2018 à 16:41:43 (S | E)
Bonjour
As the country prepared the festivities for the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, the director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A world-renowned researcher, Sam's goal had always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, it was the main objective of its latest technology : a chip directly implanted on its user at the level of the hippocampus. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, avoiding the risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure some disabilities such as Alzheimer but also make information available to the public. Thanks to this chip, no matter where we(we ou they) came from, each individual had the opportunity to evolve in the steady progress of humanity…
Introduced on D-Day, the chip was presented to the general public,(virgule) allowing Sam to win his 6th consecutive title. This success did not take long to raise the rate of product sales. And in just one year (in only one year, in a single year only), the whole country was equipped with it. The children as well (too irait mieux) evolved considerably, which was why Sam created a box learning process. Every 4 years from birth, the chip unbolted a cell of knowledge so that the children would not get lost through so much data. This system developed by Sam for his son Willys, affected by Huntington's disease, enabled his brain to develop completely while treating his illness.
16 years later, as Willys was going to (about to) unlock his fourth cell, his father, Sam, incorporated a prototype code within his son's program to speed up nerve-chip connections.
As time went on, the chips became like an arm, a whole limb of a libertalian. But without darkness, no light. Indeed, a part of the society was contemptuous of this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialised in cyber-crime didn't see the advantages of the chip but its indescribable (pourquoi cet adjectif ?) link with each inhabitant of Libertalia. She took advantage of that to access Palmer's chips National Control Centre. Once she had hacked into the network, she established her hold on every chip and thus she could gradually expand her grip on the whole country ! Without realizing it, the people of Libertalia became dependent on this technology and each individual was now an empty shell devoid of feelings and reason.
Year 2187 came up and with it the birth of a new country : Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
Réponse : A dystopian novel/genesis de louguorio, postée le 08-02-2018 à 17:34:31 (S | E)
Bonsoir gerondif.
J'ai corrigé mes erreurs. Vos conseils m'ont permis de comprendre certaines notions telles que l'utilisation de "The". Merci à vous.
2170, Libertalia.
As the country prepared the festivities for the 25th Discovery Awards, a symbolic event of this country, the people chose Sam Robert, the director and founder of Palmer Technology, as their favourite candidate. A world-renowned researcher, Sam's goal had always been to make the world a better place. Indeed, it was the main objective of its latest technology : a chip directly implanted on its user at the level of the hippocampus. The purpose of this chip was to store a lot of data, avoiding the risk of amnesia. Everything the user saw, heard, felt and did was backed up every 48 hours in Palmer Technology's servers. This chip could cure some disabilities such as Alzheimer but also make information available to the public. Thanks to this chip, no matter where they came from, each individual had the opportunity to evolve in the steady progress of humanity…
Introduced on D-Day, the chip was presented to the general public, allowing Sam to win his 6th consecutive title. This success did not take long to raise the rate of product sales. And in a single year only, the whole country was equipped with it. The children too evolved considerably, which was why Sam created a box learning process. Every 4 years from birth, the chip unbolted a cell of knowledge so that the children would not get lost through so much data. This system developed by Sam for his son Willys, affected by Huntington's disease, enabled his brain to develop completely while treating his illness.
16 years later, as Willys was about to unlock his fourth cell, his father, Sam, incorporated a prototype code within his son's program to speed up nerve-chip connections.
As time went on, the chips became like an arm, a whole limb of a libertalian. But without darkness, no light. Indeed, a part of the society was contemptuous of this progress, including Catelyn Brown. This hacker specialised in cyber-crime didn't see the advantages of the chip but its ineffable (pour décrire ce lien: il est tellement puissant qu'on ne peut plus le décrire) link with each inhabitant of Libertalia. She took advantage of that to access Palmer's chips National Control Centre. Once she had hacked into the network, she established her hold on every chip and thus she could gradually expand her grip on the whole country ! Without realizing it, the people of Libertalia became dependent on this technology and each individual was now an empty shell devoid of feelings and reason.
Year 2187 came up and with it the birth of a new country : Denialand, a Libertalia 2.0.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 08-02-2018 22:07
Réponse : A dystopian novel/genesis de gerondif, postée le 08-02-2018 à 17:46:09 (S | E)
Hello,
Bonsoir gerondif. J'ai corrigé mes erreurs. Vos conseils me permis m'ont permis de comprendre certaines notions tel telles que l'utilisation de "The". Merci à vous.
Trouvé sur le net:
Tel que s’accorde avec ce qui précède :
Les animaux ruminants tels que la vache.
Tel s’accorde avec ce qui suit :
Les animaux qui ruminent telle la vache.
J'ai parlé de the récemment ici:
Lien internet
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